1. 1. ‘First Timers’- This lovely family have been saving for years for this holiday of a life time and their excitement is completely infectious. The novelty of the complimentary towels and peanuts is not lost on them and they’ve already planned a movie schedule for the next 10 hours before the plane has even left the runway- if you keep an eye on them throughout the flight you’ll see the airline blankets and head pillows slowly disappear into their hand luggage… one by one.
  2.  The ‘Wannabe Diva’- This female is a try hard Paris Hilton on a Poundland budget and has mistaken this short haul Ryan Air flight to Alicante for a private jet to St. Tropez. This difficult passenger will demand extra leg room, she’ll have managed to sneak on twice the allowed hand luggage allowance and will click her fingers for the poor Air Stewards to try and find space for her extra heavy bags laden with cheap bottle of booze and fags for her mates back home. She’ll take up two seats; 1. for her voluptuous behind and 1 for her knock off Louis Vuitton handbag and will shoot a look that will make grown men cower like school girls if anybody asks her to turn her music down or to stop hogging the arm rests.
  3. The ‘Yoga Enthusiast’- This passenger does everything by the book, within 30 minutes of the flight the DVT socks have come out and they’re doing the downward facing dog in the walkways. They’ll re-hydrate every 22 minutes as is stated in their ‘flying safely’ manual and will be the only passenger on the plane who actually listens and takes notes on the in-flight safety talk at the beginning.
  4. The ‘Pisshead’- This passenger takes full advantage of the complimentary drinks service available, and will have no qualms that its only 8am because they are in full blown ‘holiday mode’. Usually a lady of the older persuasion, she’ll become abusive after her third Merlot but it’s OK because she’ll pass out drunk and wake up with a groggy hangover – all this within a space of a few hours. By this point she’ll request a black coffee and avoid eye contact with those around her as she wallows in a red wine induced haze of shame.
  5. The ‘Stag/Hen do’- Your absolute worst nightmare (unless you’re a hen). You’ll have settled into your seat, had a browse through the movie selection, checked out the menu, and just as you go to kick off your shoes you’ll be confronted with a pack of over-enthusiastic males in comedy t-shirts with nicknames on the back that say things like, ‘The Donkey’; and/or a gaggle of women that sound like turkeys in matching tutus. You feel like you’re on the school bus again and have mistakenly taken a seat at the back with cool kids, when, really, all you asked for was a bit of peace and quiet.
  6. The ‘Frequent Flyer’– This will be a person that flies mostly for business reasons, but will reluctantly have to sit in Economy with the rest of the rabble because the company is too tight to fork out on Business. It’s a real injustice, isn’t it? You can be sure that as soon as the plane hits cruising mode the laptop will come out, the spreadsheets will get going and any distraction, whether it’s passengers numbers 1-6, as mentioned above, or the guy on the window seat that needs the toilet, this passenger be getting pissed off either way.
  7. The ‘Smelly One’- Usually occupying an aisle seat so that you have to uncomfortably brush up against them on your trip to the loo. This passenger is the type to rest their bare feet on the arm rest in front of them or clean their ears out with the end of the headphone cable. They’ll be wearing a vest exposing said smelly bits more than one might wish, and they’ll accidentally rest their unwashed hair on your shoulder when they fall asleep, but, of course, you’ll be too polite to tell them to move.
  8. The ‘Exhausted Mother’- This poor, poor woman is at the end of her tether, and what’s worse than her screaming toddler is the disapproving looks she’ll get from fellow passengers for the entirety of the flights duration. She’s tried feeding it, changing it, playing with it, reading for it, making it listen to calming whale music, she’s even stuck on Peppa Pig and yet nothing is working for her troublesome two year old. The Air Stewards will take pity on this woman and take the toddler for a walk so she can have a quick nap because the look in her frazzled eyes suggests that she can’t take much more of the ‘why’ questions from little Johnny.
  9. The ‘Nervous Flyer’- Speaking from experience as a nervous flyer, this passenger will be found gripping the arm rests, eyes closed, counting to 100 like all the advice books suggest. At the slightest bit of turbulence this flyer will look to the Air Stewards for confirmation that the plane is not about to erupt into a ball of flames and will take some small comfort from the fact that the coffee and miniature biscuits are still being served (something that I’m guessing would be unlikely if the plane was going down). Sometimes this flyer may take solace in adult beverages and consequently might turn into No. 4 at some point during the flight.
  10. The ‘Pissed Off Air Stewards’- These poor folk have to encounter awkward and difficult passengers on a day to day basis and the worst thing about it is that they have absolutely nowhere to run to. They are never more than a couple of metres away from a full sick bag, two passengers fighting over correct chair reclining etiquette, or somebody complaining about the cardboard tasting pasta that they are made to serve, day in day out. Of course their lives look glamorous on social media, with snaps taken all over the world, but, in reality, they dread going to work just as much as the rest of us. Spare a thought for these folks next time you’re on a flight, maybe even crack a smile or start a convo to show that you appreciate what a tough job they do.


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